Hurt
by Merusa
Summary: A different side of Dumbledore. Songfic to Johnny Cash's Hurt. EDIT: Yes, I know Hurt is a cover. You can stop emailing me already.


**"Hurt"**

**By: Merusa. Song Lyrics: "Hurt", Johnny Cash.**

Piercing blue eyes stared at something that wasn't there, in a place where anything can happen. The blue eyes were settled around a crooked nose that seemed to have been broken more than once, but were still proud. Balanced precariously on the bridge of the nose were small, armless gold-rimmed spectacles, square in nature. Lined skin settled around a mouth that could smile easily, too easily, but was currently settled in a pensive frown. A beard as white as the snow reached to the man's waist, flanked by thin, matted white hair. Gnarled hands were resting on a desk, a small cut across the top of the right one, a penknife sitting in the left.

_I hurt myself today_

Startled at his own action, the man dropped the penknife and stared at the wound. The thin red line grew darker with blood. Albus Dumbledore closed his eyes, letting the pain course through his very being. It proved that he wasn't a monster.

_To see if I still feel_

_I focus on the pain _

_The only thing that's real_

He wondered what had happened to his knowledge. His penetrating gaze swept across his office, noting the smashed trinkets and broken heirlooms. He couldn't even remember what they all were for. His faded eyelids softly closed over his aching eyes. What was he, anymore?

_The needle tears a hole  
The old familiar sting  
Try to kill it all away  
But I remember everything  
What have I become?_

**Sirius was dead. **An ache, worse than his self-inflicted pain, settled inside the wizened man. His mistakes had cost him another life. The gnarled hands moved to cradle the heavy mind. He wondered when he would be completely alone. Everyone had left him in life. He couldn't help but wonder if every death led back to him- him, and his foolish mistakes. 

_My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know  
Goes away in the end_

His shoulders slumped under the burden he carried. Broken hopes and hopeless dreams, faith and the faithless. The burden had come when Grindelwald was gone, through another foolish mistake that should have led him to his death.

He would let everyone down.

_You could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt_

The sapphire eyes once again swept over the damage the Boy-Who-Lived had caused. He felt another pang, deep in a heart that was almost tired of beating. The situation with Harry was another mistake he had made. Mournfully, the headmaster buried his face in his arms and slumped completely, breathing in deeply. He half expected for tears to make their slow path down the pits and crevices of his face, but none came.

Perhaps he didn't know how to cry anymore.

_I wear my crown of thorns  
On my liar's chair_

_Full of broken thoughts  
I cannot repair_

His back cracked in pain from being bent over in such a manner. The old man sat up again, viewing the world through half-lidded eyes. He looked up at the portraits of former Heads, almost daring them to yell at him. He wanted them to scream, to tell him he had messed yet another situation up. _They _hadn't had a student murdered in an event they themselves made. There was no Boy-Who-Lived in their time, no burdens for them. 

_Beneath the stain of time_

_The feeling disappears  
You are someone else  
I am still right here_

He didn't want this anymore. With amazing strength for such an old man, he stood and slammed into his gadgets and items, pushing them to the floor. A sick satisfaction flowed through him as he watched the expensive ornaments shatter into unrecognizable shards. He looked to his side and saw that now his entire arm was bleeding. He closed his eyes, a dreamy smile spreading across his mouth. It was eerie, seeing a man like him losing his mind.

_What have I become?  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know  
Goes away in the end  
You could have it all  
My empire of dirt_

Abruptly, the eyes snapped open, and he looked around the room, as if surveying it for the first time. A low moan of pain escaped his throat, and he leaned against his desk for support. His eyes slammed shut again.

How could he help anyone if he couldn't help himself?

_I will let you down  
I will make you hurt_  
  


He wanted to close his eyes and make everything leave. He didn't want to be strong anymore. His eyes fluttered open, a sad determination flowing through them.

He had no choice. He had to be strong, because of the choices he'd made so long ago.

  
_If I could start again  
A million miles away  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way._

**_Dedicated to Johnny Cash- 9/12/03._**


End file.
